i just have had the worst day in my life i think--- and no one will read this because they just dont care....

i come home, because my parents call me, i was over at Chayces house, i slept over there, and i come home and sit down to read my book and just be quiet because after all i just woke up, and my mom starts in on me telling me how shes disapointed how the house looked, and how she sick of doing laundry and that we ( my borther and I ) should pay her because she does laundry everyday, and how i dont respect her and my father and goes on how i use them and walk all over them, mean while im just sitting there thinking to myself, yes i know ive heard this before, and i DONT walk all over them, i take everything i have, that they given me--- i dont take it for granted... i never have, i know i could have it much worse, and then my mom tells me that she didnt like how i hurt her the other day before they left for the weekend, because of the whole me leaving my house.. well i didnt call my mom and let her know i was " OK ".. well i was pissed, and my brother told me that he hated me, and that i should just leave and NEVER come back, so i left for a couple days, and i didnt call because what the hell why would i. My own parents wont even stick up for me.. so yeah anyways.... a little bit after that i started like getting really defensive, and i use the F word ALOT-- because its a way to express how upset i am, i dont believe its a wrong used word unless its used toward someone.. and i dont... so my mom lits into me with that shit* your so disrespectful, you use the house, the water, the food, blah blah blah, and i dont care and woulnt care if you showed us respect she says.. I DO SHOW RESPECT, i clean the house, i call you all the time and let you know where i am, just because i use the f work doesnt mean im not showing you respect in other ways.. and then i told her that i MIGHT not be going to school next semester and shes went off, shes like OMG, well fine-- if you dont go to school, you dont live here, and you have to move out.. well fine i said.. i will move out.. i dont have a problem moving out... the only problem is i have no money.. because of college, and i owe my mom and dad like 900-1000 dollars because i just do... and so  she asks me why would i drop out of college> i SIMPLY said.. because you both (both parents) have POUNDED it into my head that money is everything, and i have no money so im going to go and take a year off, work my ass off and then start back up again.... noooo shame in that-- well then i would be able to live on my own, get a new car, pay my parents off, go back to college etc... well now my dad comes into the picture and starts YELLLLLLING at the TOP of his lungs... and telling me how everything that is going on right now is my fault and how i neeed to grow up, how im nothing and all i do is lie, and steal, and how much of a fuck up i am.. ok number one.. i DONT steal, number two, i DONT lie, and number three, youve told me im a fuck up so much in my life, im starting to believe it. thanks... well he goes on and on about how i lied about drinking and driving... OHH HELL NO -- i dont think so.. i have NEVER EVER wanted to drink and drive in my life... ever... nor would i no matter what the situation unless like my friend was being murder, but even then im sure somoene would be sober enough to drive... so i ask him.. who the fuck said this shit.. and hes like " ohh do you really want me to call your friends up who told me and let you talk to them?" i said yes i do.. hes like i dont want to nic pick, you lied and i know it.. OK YOU KNOW WHAT>>> I HAVENT LIED< AND I DONT DRINK AND DRIVE... thank you very much.. what an asshole.. gerr that pisses me off he ALWAYS accuses me of shit that i dont do.. ALWAYS.. so anyways.. mean while as hes telling his CHILD thats shes nothing and is a worthless peice of shit, my mom just sits there and doesnt nothing as i ask my dad to please just stop telling as im BALLLLING my eyes out, my mom just sits there and does nothing.. so finially he walks away and i get up and said im done.. i done i cant take this anymore, i cant im drained.. i quit-- my mom stands up and says hold on wait.. just hold on.. and just wait.. karra no... just hold up.  sit down... i said no im done mom.. im really done.. i cant take this anymore.. i guess im moving out. i just really cant take this anymore. and i walked upstairs, and i started packing my shit.. and all this stuff they said to me keeeeps running threw my head, and im thinking about how the hell am i going to make it on my own with only like 100 dollars in my bank account, and no place to live-- and its not like i can take ALLL my shit with me... i have to do something.. and i have no car.. whats going to happen to me.. i feel guilt in my own house.. i feeel ashamed to walk around, to grab something to eat in my own house, i feel like an outsider in my own house, i feel like i dont belong to anyone, i dont even feel like i should be sleeping in my OWN bed... they have made me feel like shit..... but i guess its ALL my fault so my dad says... so im sitting in my room, pacing back and forth and i dont know what to do.. im crying to hard i cant see, i cant breathe without shaking, my whole body shaking.. so i run down stairs get something and run upstairs, i sit in the bathroom, as my back hits the door and i just cry** and cry... and i take a razor, and i slice my thighs, 3 times on each leg, and i cant stop crying.. i feel no pain other than the pain i caused on myself, i feeel noting and at that particualr moment in time i can feel myself loseing reality-- i want to die.. i really did... i want to just leave and i still do.. theres nothing here for me.. my family doesnt love me.. everything i do, seeeems to be wrong, i cant do anything good in college, i cant do good at my job.. im just a complete failer... and i quit.. so i just would like to say goodbye to all my ana's and i hope the best for all of you, i hope you do well and it was nice meeting all of you people, youve brough me so much insite**

Thanks to everyone.... and i hope you have a good life** because we all know mine was a shittttty one... GoodByeeeee**

Ana love... Anna** 

i havnt gone home in 2 days and my parents are going ot are out of town and my brothers home, and i cant go home because hes a big asshole~ so.. im homeless, driving around wondering were i can go** were i can stay** what friends will take me in ** hmm how about getting a place on my own* i hate my life, i wish i could just move away, and have good people in my life. WHY cant i just have a friend who treats me with love and respect!??

blah, ok i dont even have the strengh to talk anymore* so

BYeeE

everything i do i life, i always seem to fuck up.... friendships, relationships, family realtionships, everything! i really sometimes wish that i would just go away and live another life with no one knowing who i was or what my past is!

everyday i grow more hate for the world and the people who live in it. i grow futher away from knowing the real me, or knowing why i do the things i do, nor do i care who i harm and how i harm the people around me. i hate living this way. Everyday i am called names by my brother.. how much of a cunt, bitch, fat ass, how i need to frow up, how irresponcable i am, how unworthy i am to me and to my family. i made a big big mistake today, well more like an accident, and my brother told me he hated me and he told me to never return to my house, for the sole fact that he hates me and he never wants to talk to me again. He told me he hated me, and i was the worst sister in the world. i know he spoke out of anger but words all words hurt me, even when your just totally joking around. Im a very senitive person and i take EVERYTHING to heart. To everyone in my family, i just let them step all over me, and i take it, and i PRETEND to be happy all the time-- smile and pretend my brother and i have the BEST relationship when hes around his friends to make him look like a good brother,  the same with my mom and dad, and all the while they talk shit about me and how much i dont work.. seeing i work 5 days a week , how much money i owe to them, and get real who doesnt owe their parents money.. i owe like 900 dollars for my car, and i could pay them back all now but they dont want me to-- how much of a failer in school i am, when i try my hardest but my delixia gets in the way of studing, and i try my hardest.... and i get good grades, but my brother just gets better than i do. How my car is going to break down and my parents dont care, and how im just a BIG OLD FUCK UP.. ok i only can take so much of this.. for 10-20 years ive been dealing with this.. being called names, knowing im just not good enough, im just not no matter what i do.. and people tell me its not true, but when you hear it over and over and over again, you start to believe it, and when you hear it from the people who in socity are suppose to love you the most, tell you it everyday. . ive tryed to change and met their standards, but their standards are my brother.. and im not my brother, im NOT going to get as good of grades as he, and im NOT going to have as much money as he does, and im NOT going to have an AWESOME girlfriend, ( seeing i like boys :) ) and im NOT going to have a new car, and im NOT going to be like him. im myself... but its hard to live my life and not think so negitive.. i hate the people around me  but at the SAME time i love them and know i could not deal without them. i love how people can just simply fuck people over and not know it. i try and talk to my mom and dad and brother about it, and they just tell me im having a pitty partry, or i need to grow up, or ophh well thats your fault.. or SEE I TOLD YOU SO.. weell you know what FUCK YOU>... gerr im sorry i know i prolly sound like a bitch but i just neeed to vent.. people make mistakes, and i made one.. it TWAS AN ACCIDENT... meaning i didnt mean to do it.. i said i was sorry.. and i know you hate me but what else is new.. i could win the nobel prize and it STILL woulnt come close to being good enough for my parents or anyone else....

I GIVE UP.. im done...** GOOD BYE~

Happy Happy Day, !!!

i didnt eat at all today and i think that guy, chayce and i might be dating sooooon..!

i cant really talk tonigth because i have to go get ready because were going to go hang out!

i love you all.. and i hope you all are having a gooodnight/ good day!

ANA LOVE ** ANNA

** GOODMORNING ANA'S **

Last night was good, i didnt eat anymore, but i drank when i went to Duannes house :( pish posh, ohh well but im not eating today because im on his new diet.. lol when am i ever on the same diet? lol im always on  a new diet! Ha ha! Im getting over my cold, so im happy.. and i have to work tonight until 3am like always but im not looking foward to it.. i mean i am.. but theres just soo much drama that doesnt down at the HOliDeA InN ** yes this is where i work! but i love the night club its so much funn! alright well im sure i'll right later i just came on to see if Ashlee was on! but shes not.. so when you do get on biatchh.. you better IM me :) HA --

I hope everyone thinks thin thoughts and makes there goals today because i know you are all strong ana's!!!

ANA LOVE *** ANA